So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
