I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
