I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
