I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
