God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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