Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
