you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
