Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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