I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
