I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
