What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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