standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
