I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
