Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
