Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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