I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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