next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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