He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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