i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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