Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
