woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
