I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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