he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
