Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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