once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
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Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
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Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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