Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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