so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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