I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
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My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
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We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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