Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
