OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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