I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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