Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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