My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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