So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
i think my cat just said my name.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
