Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
