Don't make out with my wife yet
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
