last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
