Plan B is the new Plan A
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
