if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
pop tarts are not kleenex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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