You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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