A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
