when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
