I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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