She went from zero to smokin in five shots
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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