I haven't been this sober since birth.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
