Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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