My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
