my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
there is glitter all over my balls
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
