There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I have already put on my inside pants.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
