i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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