I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
