I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
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