I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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