My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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