is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
