ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
