hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Randomize
