I wish I could teleport
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
