And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
