I smell stomach acid.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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