My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
