This dress was meant to end up on your floor
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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