The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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