The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
